Archive for June, 2010

Hi Guys

I know it has been a while.

Grief happens to us all, We can’t live without death and rebirth. It is the one thing you can bet on and know you will win.You know that at some point in your life Death will touch you.

Over the last two years I have had two close deaths, one being my Nanny who I was closely brought up with, after my Grandfather died when I was 3 Months old.

My Mother and Father moved us all to live just up the road from Nan to look after her.

My Nan was 80 when she died and was a very big lady, she had a great life, but in someways not. She lost her only son in his 20’s due to him falling off some scaffolding, and my Grandad when he was in his 50’s to a heart attack (an underlying health issue they never knew about.)

The death of my nan was inevitable, we got informed many times she was going to die, either because of her weight or smoking and fluid round the heart. She was 80, it’s still sad but understandable.

Within a  few week of my Nan dying, My mum was diagnosed with Lung Cancer, as many of you know from older blogs.

My mum spent 26 years looking after my Nan, and at times my Nan could be a funny woman, who would sometimes pick on us and make one the odd one out,with her children and sometimes us grandchildren! It was just nan! she would be fine the next week and you would be flavour of the month again!

I really felt, that after my Nan’s death my Mum would be free to have a life for herself, both my brother and me had moved out and her and Dad could have the time of their lives.

This of course came crashing down when I a phone call to get to their house as soon as I could.

My first thought was mum had a stroke, or a heart attack, that was bad but not the end of the world we could get her better, how wrong I was it was much worse.

From as young as I could remember, I hated smoking. I saw the adverts, I was taught in class – SMOKING KILLS!

I came home crying begging my parents to not smoke, they just passed it off “we have had this with your brother…” If they could look back now I wonder if they would of done things differently?

My world crashed into a million pieces that night, The one person I loved most in the world, the one who knew me 100% , my best friend… MY MUM had LUNG CANCER!

I hated the world, I was angry with her, how could she do this, she was going to leave me!

I fought with her for 14 months, thinking something would happen, I prayed to god, got married in a church, got blessed by the bishop of Norwich, I even would let people cancel their wine clubs at work to hope Mum would survive.

Sadly my Mum lost the battle in February (A week after Valentines day). Battling is definitely what my mum did, she kicked it’s ass as much as she could. The problem is the body can only do so much.

Grief is a funny thing….

My family has completely exploded, and I have to admit I feel very alone at times.

My Dad is left in a House which was full of friends and family coming to see mum, to no one but me, my husband and my brother oh and his cat Burt.

Family and friends got angry with the way dad dealt with it, he Drank and would go to the pub all the time.

On the day of the ashes, I cried my heart out, I have never felt so alone.

I am a 26 year old girl who lost her mother, my heart was breaking and felt like no one understood the pain I was in, they were all wrapped up in their own grief. I was so angry and alone. I just wanted my mother so badly.

People are easy to point and judge, but not look at the bigger picture. Yes my dad is down the pub all the time, he works there and he has friends there. What do people want him to do? Sit in his house in black crying. PEOPLE GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY!

I at this moment in time feel lost and alone, and also regret. Did I see my mum enough? Did I look after her well? all these silly things which I know she is shouting down at me saying “You were the best daughter ever and I loved you, I never wanted to leave you.”

I am also feeling so unmotivated it hurts, I hate it, I could sit at home lying in bed all day long.

I have had to go to a therapist as I can’t control the negative thoughts in my head, hoping this too will pull me out of my unmotivated self.

I miss my Aunt who looked after my mum, all I want to do is run in her arms and hug her. My mum and aunt were so alike and I miss having her around.

My aunt did an amazing job looking after my mum in her last months, which I thank her for. I always felt guilty and she comforted me saying she wanted to do this and to protect me.  Her friends were always there for her too, my Mum was such a lucky lady in so many ways.

Life sadly goes on, as much as I may dislike it and cry and scream, I wont get my mum back.

My dad is my main priority, I love him more than ever, he is so special to me, and if people are saying spiteful things about him I do get defensive like any daughter would.

Yes he can  be a bit silly, but he is only human and has lost the love of his life. No matter what people say about my dad I KNOW THIS, my dad loved my mum, and still does. Yes there will be a time when he moves on and finds another woman, and it will be hard, but he loved my mum with all his heart.

It would of been there 27th Wedding Anniversary on Friday last week, and it broke my heart seeing him, It’s bad enough loosing a mother, but loosing your life partner must be even harder.

I want to thank my amazing loving Husband mark, who has been the most amazing person in my life, I know you have some big shoes to fill now mummy has gone, but baby you are the best and I love you so very much xxx

All my friends have been amazing you all mean so much to me, I love you all  xxx

To my Daddy and my brother you two are so very important to me and I love you both more now than ever, Dad you are so special to me, I just want to wrap you up in cotton wool!

To my Cousins you are all my lil angels who make me smile all the time love you x

To Mark’s family, I feel what ever happens with my crazy family. I can always count on you guys. I love you all and you truly are FAMILY to me xxx

To my family, Some of you I know are just a phone call away. Life is hard and so very precious and maybe one day we will all get along again like old times, and as the old saying goes It takes two to tango! (I need to pick the phone up too lol) I still love you all xxx

To my Aunties and My mums friends for looking after her, and giving her the best care xxx

I want to dedicate this to my Mother, my best friend, my life. I love you and miss you more than ever, I will never know why life is so hard and testing, but loosing my guide is the hardest steps I have had to make.

Love you mum xxxxx